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I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar