zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
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Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
#SaturdayBears
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.