Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
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i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years
British cheese: We briefly scared a cow
American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles