Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
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It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.