Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.