Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
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Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me