if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.