What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
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Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
canadian assassins are called killergrams
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.