[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
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I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…