Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
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If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.