*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.