family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.