I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
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Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me