People who say they’ll be late for their own funeral*
*trust me. you’ll make it.
Reverse psychology is like regular psychology except the woman is facing the other way.
If history is any indication a lot more stuff is bound to happen.
Hey girl, are you bacteria? Because I know I need you but I have no idea why.
The only thing I arouse is suspicion.
*thinks happy thoughts*
*throws pixie dust in your eyes*
*flies off with all your money*
Me: I really don’t have any bad habits to speak of.
Her: So you have no bad habits?
Me: No, I have plenty! Just none I’d want to speak of.
Falling in love is just like falling down a well, except one is dank, dark and scary, and can really hurt you, and the other is a well.
Got an extension cord, and moved the microwave right into bed with me. This 2015 is looking like a good one already.
Her: About last night, please understand that wasn’t me… that was the wine.
Me: Do you have a phone number for that wine?