@tsm560

People who say they’ll be late for their own funeral*

*trust me. you’ll make it.

@tsm560

Reverse psychology is like regular psychology except the woman is facing the other way.

@tsm560

If history is any indication a lot more stuff is bound to happen.

@tsm560

Hey girl, are you bacteria? Because I know I need you but I have no idea why.

@tsm560

*thinks happy thoughts*

*throws pixie dust in your eyes*

*flies off with all your money*

@tsm560

Me: I really don’t have any bad habits to speak of.

Her: So you have no bad habits?

Me: No, I have plenty! Just none I’d want to speak of.

@tsm560

Falling in love is just like falling down a well, except one is dank, dark and scary, and can really hurt you, and the other is a well.

@tsm560

Got an extension cord, and moved the microwave right into bed with me. This 2015 is looking like a good one already.

@tsm560

Her: About last night, please understand that wasn’t me… that was the wine.
Me: …
Her: …
Me: Do you have a phone number for that wine?