[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
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If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
S O O N
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
Deer are just ballerina dogs
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.