@tuckerflodman
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
@tuckerflodman
@tuckerflodman
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
@tuckerflodman
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
@tuckerflodman
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
@tuckerflodman
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
@tuckerflodman
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
@tuckerflodman
[CIA]
-We need you to kill the leader of Russia.
“I’ll be Putin a bullet in his head. Carl Marx my words!”
-Alright! Who invited PunMan?!
@tuckerflodman
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
@tuckerflodman
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
@tuckerflodman
Dessert police! Open up! *breaks down door* Freeze! Cake it easy man, I’m Pudding you in Custardy!
“Ugh, well isn’t this just Flantastic.”