I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
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The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.