50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
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My diet was going really well until I woke up.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
Covid like
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.