Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
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too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?