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U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!