*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
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How I like cutting carbs
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
This hospital has everything
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
based al yankovic
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out