waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
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My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
The first one, obviously
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.