Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
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You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
How animals would run if they were human
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
Feels
we’re gonna need another temp
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.