A zombie apocalypse will be the only time you’ll hear me say ‘please don’t eat me’
My husband’s safe word is ‘CRAMP!’
Before he leaves for work, my husband whispers the 3 words I love to hear him say…
“I made coffee”
Why would anyone come on Twitter JUST to argue?
Don’t you have an ex, or a spouse, or a family member that you can argue with?
If I ever got stranded on an island, I could totally use the glare that bounces off the whiteness of my legs to signal for help.
My oldest son & his gf were cooking & asked me how many 1/4 cups are in 1 cup ….
Gonna write a nasty letter 2 college & ask for a refund
Boss left his email open.
Me: *looks around, send email to district manager “i love you”
Now we wait
Cashier: would u like a bag?
Me: no I’ll just carry the economy box of pads & Midol out so whoever thinks of kidnapping me will think twice
Why do you look surprised in all your selfies? Didn’t you know you were taking the picture?
Coworker drank the last of the coffee and now he’s going to the clinic for a ‘work related’ injury.