@turtledumplin

A zombie apocalypse will be the only time you’ll hear me say ‘please don’t eat me’

……aaaand send

@turtledumplin

Before he leaves for work, my husband whispers the 3 words I love to hear him say…

“I made coffee”

@turtledumplin

Why would anyone come on Twitter JUST to argue?

Don’t you have an ex, or a spouse, or a family member that you can argue with?

@turtledumplin

If I ever got stranded on an island, I could totally use the glare that bounces off the whiteness of my legs to signal for help.

@turtledumplin

My oldest son & his gf were cooking & asked me how many 1/4 cups are in 1 cup ….

Gonna write a nasty letter 2 college & ask for a refund

@turtledumplin

Boss left his email open.
Me: *looks around, send email to district manager “i love you”

Now we wait

@turtledumplin

Cashier: would u like a bag?
Me: no I’ll just carry the economy box of pads & Midol out so whoever thinks of kidnapping me will think twice

@turtledumplin

Why do you look surprised in all your selfies? Didn’t you know you were taking the picture?

@turtledumplin

Coworker drank the last of the coffee and now he’s going to the clinic for a ‘work related’ injury.