Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
Some of y’all tomorrow …
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow