How is it still this week?
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My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
I’m not alone. I have ants.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.