I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
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big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.