Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
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My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*