The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
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I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …