Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
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Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
This is Sparta
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.