friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
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Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.