@tweetsbyrocket

interviewer: how are you with excel?

me: i hate it

interviewer: an experienced user then

@tweetsbyrocket

zoo keeper: your husband was mauled to death trying to enter the wolf enclosure

wife: [sobbing] you sure it’s him?

zoo keeper: he was shouting “free the moon puppies”

wife: yea it’s him

@tweetsbyrocket

[restaurant]

wife: i think we should have children

me: [disappointed] but I wanted pizza

@tweetsbyrocket

me: someone we know is possessed by an owl

friend: who?

me: [narrows eyes]