How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
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I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
Me sliding into hell like
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on