@tweetsbyrocket
interviewer: how are you with excel?
me: i hate it
interviewer: an experienced user then
@tweetsbyrocket
@tweetsbyrocket
zoo keeper: your husband was mauled to death trying to enter the wolf enclosure
wife: [sobbing] you sure it’s him?
zoo keeper: he was shouting “free the moon puppies”
wife: yea it’s him
@tweetsbyrocket
[restaurant]
wife: i think we should have children
me: [disappointed] but I wanted pizza
@tweetsbyrocket
her: my baby was 8 pounds
me: oh you bought a british one?
@tweetsbyrocket
octopus: [gun in each hand]
cat: you’re one short buddy
@tweetsbyrocket
me: im terrified of vowels
therapist: why?
me: only sometimes
@tweetsbyrocket
me: someone we know is possessed by an owl
friend: who?
me: [narrows eyes]
@tweetsbyrocket
octupus: [gun in each hand]
cat: you’re one short buddy