All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
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There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank