everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
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Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.