What I texted:
No one like you.
What I meant to text:
No one likes you.
*spills one drop of maple syrup
(entire house is sticky for the next decade)
Him: You’re so good to me. I don’t deserve you.
Her: Know what? You’re right. Pack your shit.
I built a Snowman on my stomach and now I have an abdominal Snowman.
Camping and I have a lot in common. For starters, we are both stupid.
I like a good strong woman. But I prefer them not to be named Olga and bench press me in front of my friends.
I need some sun on this skin. I’m starting to look whiter than a Fleetwood Mac concert.
This week on Twitter, i have talked to a cartoon bunny, a baby duck, a platypus that only speaks in haiku, tons of catfish and a chicken in a fox suit. So don’t tell me these drugs aren’t working.
Arugala is my favorite vegetable that sounds like it’s drowning.
I don’t like the word ‘scampi’. It sounds like seafood that’s trying to run away.