If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
You Might Also Like
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
me after drinking all the wine:
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
why no one uses midhusbands
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there