Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
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The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen