When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.