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Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
Risking my life for fun.
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.