Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
You Might Also Like
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
😂😂😂
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.