Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.