If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
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when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.