I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
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Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
This made me smile…
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.