Wait. We’re now turning plants into burgers? Haven’t cows been doing that like, forever.
<••• accidentally splashes pickle juice in my eyes…
“Ow! I’m brined!”
I went to an antique auction. Three people bid on me.
Daughter: Want a cake for your birthday.
Me: No, cakes are expensive.
Daughter: It’s not the cake, it’s all those candles!
Tried to straighten the wrinkles in my socks. I wasn’t wearing any.
Dear Satan…
For Christmas I want a cure for my dyslexia.
Bidets will go down in the anals of history. There, I said it.
You are what you eat? Well… I’d rather be a donut than a salad.
Urban Dictionary defines Heck:
Where you go if you don’t believe in Gosh.
Me: Super size it!
Pharmacist: No.
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? I would look pretty stupid walking around the grocery store with 12 baskets.
A homeless man asked me for money. I had 10 dollars in my pocket and didn’t want it wasted on alcohol so I gave it to him.
Today, I changed a light bulb, crossed the road, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
Never buy trail mix without dried fruit or chocolate. That would be totally nuts!
The evening news…
Where they begin with “Good evening,” and then proceed to tell you why it is not.