when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
Dietest Coke
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
“I wouldn’t.”
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
water it, i dare you
work smarter, not harder
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
