you gotta be faster
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
it was love at first sight
Mad Max: Furry Road
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
don’t be scared
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
