me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
is this a warning or an offer?
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
no their not
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”