“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
how to exercise your calf muscles
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
Has there ever been a more American story?
even bears disappoint their mothers
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
it’s finally my moment to shine
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”