They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
IT’S-A ME,
Labreador
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
