“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
I hope they boil the right one.
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
That lamp looks PISSED.
