the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.