Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”