Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
There’s no “u” in narcissist
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.