*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
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Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
Note to self: I am a note
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
What the hell happened in there??
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.