[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
You Might Also Like
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
Catercrombie & Fish
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.